My husband and I have now been married for four months. Here are some reflections I have on that:
Marriage is awesome.
Marriage is hard work.
Everyday I feel so lucky to have found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
Sometimes my husband drives me crazy.
Sometimes I feel like I’m killing it.
Sometimes I struggle with wanting to be the perfect wife.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed.
But, everyday I fall more in love with my husband.
Here are four marriage lessons I have learned so far:
1. Never tell your husband what you are having for dinner in advance.
This is pretty much a guarantee for disaster to occur. In April I tried to have taco Tuesday three times. We had Taco Tuesday exactly zero times. The first time the meat didn’t show up in the delivery. The second it was spoiled when I went to cook it. The last time, well, you don’t want to know what I found in the meat.
So it’s best if things are a surprise. Then if things don’t work out exactly as planned, he doesn’t ever know what he was missing.
2. Don’t let the small things become a big deal.
Our first big fight after getting married was over the dishwasher. Yes, you heard that right. The dishwasher. He liked to load the utensils facing down and I liked to load them facing up. And he was flipping them all over after I already loaded the dishwasher. After arguing over it, we both realized how ridiculous it was.
So now we load the dishwasher the way my husband likes it, because upon reflection I realized it didn’t matter one way or the other to me. I just wanted to do it my way because I had been doing it that way my entire life. Compromise is a big part of making things work in a marriage. So is determining what is and what is not worth having a discussion about.
3. Old habits die hard
When you are single you are used to doing things your way. When you get married, everything changes. Suddenly all those habits that you kept in private before or you didn’t even realize that you had are on display for another person. And you have to get those habits to jive with another person’s way of doing things.
This has been most apparent for me in night time wind down and sleeping habits. We are both night owls, but once I am ready for bed, I hop on in, while my husband has this elaborate wind down routine that some nights seems to take forever. And while I’m someone who suffers from insomnia, my husband can be out and snoring in a minute flat, which is often frustrating. So my husband is learning to wind down in a way that still serves his needs, without leaving me hanging for a long time. And I am learning to have something else, such as a book, to focus on during that time so I don’t get irritated waiting. I also sometimes will get up for a little bit after he has fallen asleep if I feel my brain is not ready to slow down.
4. Good Communication is so important
The right kind of communication is key to making things work in any relationship, but especially in marriage. We have always been really good communicators in our relationship. That’s probably because we are good about expressing our concerns and feelings when they come up, instead of letting them fester. And being able to talk things out and not stuff them inside feels so good!
But we definitely aren’t perfect at it. There are sometimes where I make the assumption that he should just know what I’m thinking or feeling. And guess what, he’s not a mind reader. We are learning that if one or the other of us doesn’t get it, that we need to say that and then we need to dig deeper. If I am feeling emotional about something, often I don’t articulate myself in the best way. So waiting until I’m calmer can help my husband understand what I am feeling and going through better.