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In the months leading up to my wedding, one thing I was wondering was how to be a good wife. All I did know was how I wasn’t going to be a “good wife.”
I wasn’t going to be the 1950s housewife that some circles still embrace. I am not one of those people that gets stress relief or joy out of cleaning and creating the “perfect home.” And I’m certainly not going to be waiting at the door with my husband’s slippers. Most likely I will be the one wearing the slippers.
Yes, I like things clean, but I’m not enjoying dragging a vacuum around or scrubbing dishes. And some days, things don’t get done, because, well, life happens.
I believe in sharing the responsibilities of taking care of our home together. Now, since I am currently working from home and don’t have as long hours as my husband or a commute, I have been willing to take on more of the household tasks because it makes sense for us at this point. That may change in the future though. I have actually surprised myself though that I like cooking. Playing around with recipes is actually fun, at least when they don’t turn out bad. I’m lucky though to have a husband that will eat just about anything. Here’s one of my favorite recipes: apple cobbler.
Also, I’m not going to achieve “Biblical womanhood” as most define it these days. I’m pretty sure that the fictitious Proverbs 31 woman, who has been giving Christian women a complex for years, would have never have gotten any sleep if she had actually existed. Maybe that’s why the passage says “she gets up when it is still night.”
So, we can trace women’s need for perfectionism back thousands of years. Using the Bible for a guidebook for womanhood or being a good wife is troubling when its directives for women reflect time periods in which the treatment of women, and as a result the expectations of and limitations on them, was patriarchal and troubling. What to know more about why I feel that way? Check out Rachel Held Evan’s A Year of Biblical Womanhood.
And I am definitely not embracing the message that we send to women these days that they can be and do everything.
This is why we have so many women walking around feeling inadequate, like failures, and that they can never get it right. Trust me I’ve been there many times. We aren’t superwomen, we aren’t even our next door neighbor or our best friend. What it means to be a good wife or even just a woman who’s got it together is, well, I’m not exactly sure. Should there even be a standard for something like that?
Read More: Lessons from the First Year of Marriage
So, how am I going to be a good wife? I’m going to…
Stop comparing- It doesn’t do me or my husband any good when I compare myself to other women. He certainly isn’t doing that. After all, he married me for a reason and he wants me as his wife, not someone else. Being confident in who I am and what I have to offer as a wife can only serve to strengthen our marriage.
Let go of things- So I popped frozen pizza in the oven instead of cooking something for dinner, didn’t get to the laundry, or am wearing the same clothes that I did yesterday. Some days are just like that. He likely doesn’t even notice (as irritating as that can be sometimes) or if he does he really doesn’t care. Until he runs out underwear at least.
Put more focus on our marriage- If I’m always concerned about the “good wife” checklist instead of our marriage (which is kind of the whole point?) I’m not focusing enough on us as a couple. I want to be able to enjoy our daily life together and make him feel loved and feel loved myself.
Embrace screwing up- I’ve never been married before, so I am on a learning curve here. I shouldn’t expect to have it all figured out two months in. In fact, I think marriage is about learning and growing with your partner no matter how long you’ve been married. There are going to be times that I get frustrated with myself or my husband, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. But I need to stop feeling like an awful person just because I’m human and make mistakes sometimes.
Do you ever feel like you have to be the woman that has it all together or the “good wife”?
LOVE THIS, thank you for sharing! You have a very modern view on marriage and I deeply respect you for it! Whatever works for people is what they should do, but I enjoy you blogging about it! XO.
Oh definitely, that’s what is most important. You shouldn’t define what it means to be a good wife or what a good marriage looks like by what everyone else is doing.
This was a good reminder that it’s ok not to be perfect all the time. If you have a solid, loving marriage, it’s ok to let your hair down sometimes. Thanks for sharing your views on this topic.
Love this! Sometimes we get so caught up in being “perfect” that we forget to really live and learn…and that’s what marriage is all about!
Yes and then you miss out on the important stuff and the fun stuff that sometimes is a little messy.
I really appreciate your perspective on this – especially letting go of perfection, embracing the mess-ups, and not comparing yourself or your marriage to other ones. I do, however, believe that as Christians we should use the bible (not only Proverbs 31) as a resource when it comes to having a healthy marriage. Yes the Proverbs 31 woman is outdated and some of the things are no longer applicable in a literal sense. For example, she woke up while it was still night because she probably had to walk miles and miles to the market, let alone run the household, cook clean, etcetera, and what we can take away from that is – we should wake up when we need to and start our day productively rather than being lazy. Many of today’s women are totally different from the Prov 31 woman but that doesn’t mean we can’t still be worth more than rubies!
I agree that there is definitely a lot to be admired about the Proverbs 31 woman. Unfortunately she is an example that makes many Christian women feel inadequate and overwhelmed though. And I’ll admit, I’m not a morning person.:)
This blog is very good. Going on 39 years of marriage. I’m so glad my wife does not try to be like someone else. I’m not trying to be like anyone else. We are just trying to love Jesus, love each other, and be light in a dark world. Take care of each other. The dust will be there when you get back.