Have you ever got some incredibly stupid advice about something? Bad advice giving especially seems to get out of control in regards to relationships, whether you are single or in a relationship. Before my husband and I got married, we got some great marriage advice, and some that was, well, less then great.
When I reached out to find out what terrible advice other married couples have received I was surprised to find some of the same answers over and over (and some really nasty relatives). So, here’s is the marital advice that couples most wish their friends and families would just keep to their selves:
“Don’t get married.”
The most common answer by far was the advice to simply not to get married at all. Advice givers felt that the couple getting married shouldn’t because they were too young, hadn’t known each other long enough, hadn’t lived together yet, because the significant other was just looking for a green card, or they had been married before.
Also the answers poured in from women who had been told not to get married because it would just end in divorce like most other marriages. Ironically, this advice seemed to be mostly from those who had never been married or had been married multiple times (along with two different advice givers that had each been married six times!!!).
Why would friends and family members that should be supportive in such a special time be so intent to cast negativity on a marriage before it has even started? I’m sure that some of these comments came from a place of concern, but obviously some were coming from bitterness or jealousy as well. It makes me grateful that all of the important people in our lives were supportive and encouraging of our decision to marry. Because you need that support system.
“Don’t go to bed angry.”
My husband and I definitely heard this several times, but my husband’s best man reminded us in his speech that sometimes you need to go to bed angry. Sometimes you need to have some space to think things over. Sometimes you are exhausted and that is why you are fighting in the first place. And sometimes after a little time has passed you realize that what you were fighting about simply doesn’t matter.
“I’m sorry but sometimes I need to go to bed. That or we’ll be fighting into the night. I’m the kind of person that needs to walk away and cool off and sometimes that includes a good night’s sleep! Thankfully my husband gets that. Sometimes we go to bed angry. And the next day when our heads are clear we’re able to have a calm conversation.” –Kysten Quiles of www.why-girls-are-weird.com
“Marriage is 50/50.”
Man, I’m so glad that this isn’t the case. Because otherwise it wouldn’t be possible to be human and have a bad day. Already in the first six months of marriage we’ve found that there are times when one of us has to pick up the slack. It is so nice to be able to be in a partnership where you are able to both give and receive according to what your needs are. You just have to make sure that each person is getting their needs met and things aren’t tipping in one direction for too long.
“There are times when you are giving 75% and he’s giving 25%. There are times when he’s giving 75% and you’re giving 25%. Each one of you may have to step up at different times and boost the other. It’s about being a team!!!!” –Dawn O’Connell-Pfingsten of www.justdoingmybest.com
“Your focus should now be on your relationship”
I loved that someone brought up the reminder that after you are married it doesn’t mean that now the focus must be completely on your marriage. It can be easy to lose yourself when you are under the impression that your focus should be completely on your husband or about working on your relationship together. Yes, the “we” is important, but so is the “me.” And that means remembering that you need time for just yourself and that you need to want to grow as an individual, as well as a couple.
“I feel like people forget (or don’t understand) that marriage is a personal development journey. If you can’t handle seeing a reflection of yourself in your spouse or don’t like developing your personal self then marriage isn’t right for you…I have found that no one told me to be prepared to really work on myself because marriage, for me, has been a personal development ride as I truly believe that is why marriage exists, to make you a better you.” –Monica Lynn of www.monicawrites.com
What has been the worst marriage advice you have gotten?